


The Real Battle at the Bandstand.

by Aziraphaliac



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 14:33:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20322640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aziraphaliac/pseuds/Aziraphaliac





	The Real Battle at the Bandstand.

The real reason this so utterly, so comprehensively destroys him,  is that at heart, he still wants to do the right thing.

He knows fine well he’d rather be on  his side - on _our_ _side  _ \- but can’t shake the fact that he is still ultimately of Heaven. This moral catastrophe was made all the harder by the fact that Heaven made itself such a hard, cold place to exist sometimes, like it was purposely driving him into his arms.He remembered, he  _thought_ he remembered, a time when he was proud to represent it. But looking back, perhaps he could see the bitterness that cast the first of them from the garden; the heartlessness that drowned the masses in the terrible flood; the hateful way they had watched their creator’s own son suffer.He remembered just how often Heaven had left him feeling so broken, so beaten, so useless, and how many times it had made him just break down and weep.He sometimes felt there was no reason for Heaven to have his loyalty, but he was soft, and it only ever took a scrap of an apology or a morsel of affection for him to run back and forget it had ever happened. It hadn’t been all bad, it would be melancholy to say so, but he couldn’t figure out just how much bad was supposed to come with the good, and for how long he was supposed to pretend that it was okay.He worked  _so hard_ to try and keep the peace up there, but still the crashing lows came thick and fast. Heaven’s ideology had been so ingrained in him that he thinks his worth depends on how well he passes as Heaven’s idea of an angel. He knows that Heaven doesn’t view his attempts as enough, but he keeps trying because the Great Plan must be right. A life under Heaven’s ideals must be the only way to exist. 

He wasn’t naive - he knows he’s broken so many rules. He knows if Heaven were to find out he couldn’t justify any of it, but he still feels there’s a line he isn’t willing to cross; he’s supposed to be the nice one after all. As much as his mind and body ache for it, when it came down to it, he just can’t let go. While he’s still attached to Heaven, he can’t give himself up completely, and he  _hates_ himself for it. He teeters on this narrow precipice of his emotions and his morals, with inevitable disaster looming every way he looked, and he clings to it, because it is truly the happiest he’s felt in years.

Crowley had shown him he was worth something; that he did deserve to be happy. _Our side_, as much as they both wanted it, remained a fantasy. But even if  our side was out of the question, would he ultimately be happier just on his own side? 

He didn’t know, and he didn’t know if he was brave enough to find out.  


But then he decided he might as well just have his cake and eat it. He liked cake, and hell, you only live once. 


End file.
